As a Los Angeles native, I was basically raised on green juices, spirituality, and masking torture as “self-care.” One of the most popular ways to make yourself cry in the name of wellness is with hot yoga, or Bikram yoga if you want to be specific.
If you’ve never been, it’s basically 60 to 90 minutes of bending your body in a series of poses in a room with the temperature ranges from 80 to 110°F. Because someone was like, “Let’s put regular yoga into an oven and watch everyone melt into a puddle of sweat!”
But we all continue to go. Why? Because the benefits of hot yoga include burning calories and increasing your flexibility, and we also know that by the end, we’ll feel good, glowing, and filled with endorphins. And sweaty. We’ll definitely be sweaty.
Tips for Surviving Hot Yoga
If you want to make your hot yoga experience a little less uncomfortable, remember to bring a ton of water, towel or two – one to wipe off sweat and one to place on your mat to prevent slipping –, a change of clothes, a yoga mat, an igloo, a therapist, and a large pizza. (Wait. That last one is for after class.) Wear as little or as light clothing as possible, and avoid wearing makeup, because it will drip off your face, I don’t care how sweatproof it says it is.
To provide some solidarity in the pain and suffering of this sweat-inducing workout, here are a few of the many thoughts that I have before and during a hot yoga class.
36 Hilarious Thoughts You Have During Hot Yoga
1. I did not need to spend $200 on new yoga clothes. Nobody needs to see me sweating in pink sparkly spandex.
2. I have never stretched anything on my body in my entire life. I can definitely handle the advanced class.
3. Should I wear makeup? Like, I know it’s hot yoga, but what if my soulmate is there? Maybe just some mascara and a liquid lip. And contour. You know what, I’m just gonna pop over to Sephora.
4. Ok, I’m ready for this. I’m getting centered, finding my zen, and taking care of my body.
5. Do you know what also centers me? Tortilla chips. I feel so zen with tortilla chips. I’m gonna go home and sit with a bag of tortilla chips.
6. NO. You are going to show up. You made a commitment to yourself, and you’ll follow through.
7. There’s no parking anywhere. This is a sign from Father Bikram himself.
8. Okay, going in. OH WOW. It feels like the Sahara in here!
9. I really should have gotten here earlier. Now I have to squish between Bendy Wendy and the most muscular man I’ve ever seen. I feel personally attacked by his eighth ab.
10. Okay, I can totally do this. We’re starting with breathing? I’m a pro at that.
11. What do you mean “I’m breathing too loudly?” You try inhaling inside of an actual hot air ballon.
12. It’s been 5 minutes. Do I look toned yet?
13. I am so hot, I should be blurred out on cable television.
14. Be centered. JUST. BE. CENTERED. You came here to be zen, so CALM DOWN AND FEEL GOOD.
15. Are my chakras feng shui’d or whatever?
16. It is against my religion to bend this way.
17. The instructor just called us all “warriors.” Ok, I can get down with that.
18. I can’t see. Is that sweat in my eyes or am I having an emotional breakdown?
19. My makeup is dripping down my neck. Great, now I look like a poor soul on The Bachelor who got left on an island.
20. Into downward dog. Annnnnnd now there is a waterfall of sweat rushing down my spine.
21. Hey Bendy Wendy: could you refrain from sweating on my mat? I’m trying to focus on spreading compassion here.
22. Wow, starting to feel those endorphins! Oh wait, that might just be the high before you die.
23. Mmmmm pizza…..
24. Why am I the only one who took “feel free to return to child’s pose at any time” to heart?
25. Everyone’s entire life right now is centered around judging my inability to do a handstand.
26. Thank god, I made it to shavasana. Time to meditate, relax, and ruminate over every mistake I’ve ever made.
27. Did I unplug my curling iron?
28. I am so sticky, I am the consistency of a post-it note.
29. Focus, Chelsea, you’re meditating. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Orange chicken.
30. Should I repaint my bathroom?
31. Inhale. Exhale.
32. I should totally repaint it blue.
And there you have it: an internal dialogue of shame, exhaustion, and junk food. We hate it, we love it, but we keep coming back. Hot yoga, we just can’t quit you.